Now Entering: Life Bi Me

I have been thinking about how most of those in my life who know my sexuality found out about it. I admit, I rarely, if ever, used the word growing up. I'm not sure why. My boyfriend always kind of knew as we were getting to know each other that something seemed off. Maybe I would make a certain comment, stare a little too long, or flirt back without even noticing. I am not the biggest people person so I don't have a huge circle of friends, but most of them found out the same way. When someone would bring it to my attention, I would usually just laugh it off, maybe saying something like "Take from it what you want," to ease myself out of the conversation and I was done. Not entirely honest but it got me through.

Even as an advocate for LGBT rights, I never admitted that I was bisexual. I'm not really too sure why. Sure, there were a few people who knew, but in the grand scheme of things I was representing exactly that which the community is trying to change. The lack of acceptance. I would stand hand in hand with my LGBT brethren and shout loud and proud that I was a straight woman with her straight boyfriend on their side. I convinced myself that they needed that more than a confused bisexual. I mean, they do, right? After all, bis are lost in their own community while sympathetic straights are a commodity. Stupid? Yes. Painful? Yes. Self-loathing? YES.

Today I was tweeted about a girl who came out and her mother rejected her. She said horrible things to her. And here I am, afraid of my own shadow in a community that welcomes me for who I am. My boyfriend welcomes me, my friends welcome me, and yet I have trouble coming to terms with myself. I keep reminding myself of what a foolish girl I am. Trying to make it less and less scary. Still working on it, one 'fraidy-step at a time.

M.M.